I have decided to move forward. The last eight months have been a blur of emotions, confusion and disbelief. I have never felt more lost, disoriented and out of control. Out of this chaos though came the realization that I have to move forward, create a new life for myself and my family, regain control. I must adapt to the new reality.
Coming to this realization took a long time and a lot of support. Again my children came through. I reached out for support from them and they acknowledged, understood, supported and gave wise counsel. How did they turn out to be so empathetic, understanding, wise, patient? In a way I feel that I let them down. I was so immersed in my own grief over the loss that perhaps I was not helping them with theirs. I also reached out to close friends and depended on the long talks, helpful insights, sound advice and a shoulder to lean on. My family and friends allowed me to take my time through the grief. I never felt I had to rush. They helped me remember and recover my inner resources. Remember who I am.
But how do I move forward? While I am not quite ready to get back to full time blogging I am slowly getting back into the kitchen. It took me a long time before I was willing to enter the kitchen and make anything other than the occasional quick pasta and salad. We live in a rented condo now in Calgary, waiting for the insurance claim to settle, and I didn’t even try to connect with the kitchen here. After working for years in the fabulous kitchen I had at Trail’s End, it seems almost disloyal to cook anywhere else. Thankfully we have our summer abode in Kelowna, where I can see my identity reflected in familiar things, where I can begin to connect.
I am moving forward. Slowly claiming the kitchen again. A stack of new cookbooks is piled on a table beside my computer. There is a new set of hand forged Japanese knives on the kitchen counter, sharp as can be. A few copper pots are providing a sense of familiarity. I replaced my camera along with a couple of good lenses. No longer having the extensive photography set up I had before, with lights, reflectors, props etc. perhaps I can change the style and shoot with only natural light this time? That could be a new adventure and a learning opportunity. See? You have to see the opportunity in new situations.
I plan to finish a few more of the cookbooks I have been working on for my children. There is a vegetable book, a soup and a bread book, a pizza book. I also need to finish the gift cookbook I intend to give to my friends. And I am working on a book about Trail’s End, to leave for my children as a memory of life lived in that beautiful home. All in due course.
I plan to post a new recipe every now and then. Perhaps not at the same pace as before, but still, offer some postings. I may begin with recipes that were photographed and ready to be published before the fire but have been on hold since, and add new ones as I prepare them. I hope you find some of them useful and inspiring.